Who'd win in a fight between Superman and Jesus?
Superman is a space alien with superpowers derived from the sun's rays. Jesus Christ is a vampire/cannibal zombie with miracle powers including the uncanny ability to take over his enemies' brains with holy ghosts.
Superman—never seen praying or going to church—took his name from either an essay by notorious German atheist Friedrich Nietzsche or a play by notorious Irish atheist George Bernard Shaw. Either way it's pretty certain that the Man of Steel (a soubriquet stolen from notorious Georgian atheist Joseph Stalin) is himself an atheist.
Thus, given that SM and JC come from different fictional “realities,” any superpowered donnybrook between them would be given added spice by the fact that they don't believe in each other.
“Fuck you! You're not even real!” spits Jesus, making the wanker sign at Superman and sending out spooky tendrils of holy ghost power (like in Raiders of the Lost Ark). “You're just a comforting myth made up by some Jewish kids to escape the reality of a world in the grip of a savage fascist empire!”
“Yeah I know you are, but what am I?” sneers Supes, blasting the spook missiles with heat-vision while simultaneously counterattacking with a blast of freezing superbreath.
But the ice particles melt in the heat of Jesus' halo, enabling Jesus to sprint up the rainbow thus caused and kick Superman in the jaw with both sandals—kapow!
Superman does a 360 backflip that ends with his knees smashing into the son of the god God's jaw—crack! The Nazarene is moving so fast he rips a new asshole in the space-time continuum through which plows Santa Claus on a sleigh drawn by prancing Gandhis.
“Ho ho ho, super-assholes!” chortles fatso, whipping back his flapping red robes to reveal two blazing uzis and the shocking fact that he's not Santa after all but … buddha buddha buddha bark the submachine guns.
“Argh!” scream Superman and Jesus as superbly muscled super-torsos get shredded by kryptonite-tipped super-bullets. But Buddha-Claus has inadvertently used black kryptonite which has the effect of turning Supes and JC into evil versions of themselves.
Just then there's an enormous cosmic thunderclap caused by the sudden arrival of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Invisible Pink Unicorn who are, as you know, “gods” made up by atheists
in mockery of “real” gods like the Christian god “God.”
This six-way battle rages for days until the arrival of all the Hindu gods, and everyone gets killed (Superman gets crucified on a kryptonite cross) except the Hindu god Ganesh, who's the coolest god ever invented because he has the head of an elephant.
And that's what I think would happen in a fight between Jesus and Superman.
Superman is a space alien with superpowers derived from the sun's rays. Jesus Christ is a vampire/cannibal zombie with miracle powers including the uncanny ability to take over his enemies' brains with holy ghosts.
Superman—never seen praying or going to church—took his name from either an essay by notorious German atheist Friedrich Nietzsche or a play by notorious Irish atheist George Bernard Shaw. Either way it's pretty certain that the Man of Steel (a soubriquet stolen from notorious Georgian atheist Joseph Stalin) is himself an atheist.
Thus, given that SM and JC come from different fictional “realities,” any superpowered donnybrook between them would be given added spice by the fact that they don't believe in each other.
“Fuck you! You're not even real!” spits Jesus, making the wanker sign at Superman and sending out spooky tendrils of holy ghost power (like in Raiders of the Lost Ark). “You're just a comforting myth made up by some Jewish kids to escape the reality of a world in the grip of a savage fascist empire!”
“Yeah I know you are, but what am I?” sneers Supes, blasting the spook missiles with heat-vision while simultaneously counterattacking with a blast of freezing superbreath.
But the ice particles melt in the heat of Jesus' halo, enabling Jesus to sprint up the rainbow thus caused and kick Superman in the jaw with both sandals—kapow!
Superman does a 360 backflip that ends with his knees smashing into the son of the god God's jaw—crack! The Nazarene is moving so fast he rips a new asshole in the space-time continuum through which plows Santa Claus on a sleigh drawn by prancing Gandhis.
“Ho ho ho, super-assholes!” chortles fatso, whipping back his flapping red robes to reveal two blazing uzis and the shocking fact that he's not Santa after all but … buddha buddha buddha bark the submachine guns.
“Argh!” scream Superman and Jesus as superbly muscled super-torsos get shredded by kryptonite-tipped super-bullets. But Buddha-Claus has inadvertently used black kryptonite which has the effect of turning Supes and JC into evil versions of themselves.
Just then there's an enormous cosmic thunderclap caused by the sudden arrival of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Invisible Pink Unicorn who are, as you know, “gods” made up by atheists
in mockery of “real” gods like the Christian god “God.”
This six-way battle rages for days until the arrival of all the Hindu gods, and everyone gets killed (Superman gets crucified on a kryptonite cross) except the Hindu god Ganesh, who's the coolest god ever invented because he has the head of an elephant.
And that's what I think would happen in a fight between Jesus and Superman.
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