. . . gets off to a troubling start , with the worsening situation in Iraq worsening faster than ever. The nation's hopes for a solution are pinned on the Iraq Study Group, a presidentially appointed blue-ribbon panel consisting of five Republicans, five Democrats and the Wizard of Oz. In accordance with longstanding Washington tradition, the panel first formally leaks its report to the New York Times, then delivers it to the president, who turns it over to White House personnel specially trained in reading things.
In essence, the study group recommends a three-pronged approach, consisting of: 1) a gradual withdrawal of U.S. troops, but not on a fixed timetable; 2) intensified training of Iraqi troops; and 3) the physical relocation of Iraq, including buildings, to Greenland. Republican and Democratic leaders, after considering the report for the better part of a nanosecond, commence what is expected to be a minimum of two more years of bickering.
With the Iraq situation pretty much solved, the world's attention shifts to Iran and its suspected nuclear program, which becomes the subject of renewed concern after U.S. satellites detect a glowing 400-foot-high spider striding around Tehran. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists that it is "a peaceful spider" that will be used "only for mail delivery." Shortly thereafter, North Korea -- in what many observers see as a deliberate provocation -- detonates a nuclear device inside the Lincoln Memorial.
Finally responding to these new threats to international stability, the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council -- the United States, the United Kingdon, Russia, China and Google -- hold an emergency meeting in Paris, where, after heated debate, they vote to have a bottle of 1959 Chateau Margaux with their entree. Unfortunately, they cannot agree on a dessert wine, causing the city, which had just reopened, to shut down completely.
In other food news, New York City, having apparently solved all of its other problems, bans "trans fats." Hours later, police surround a Burger King in Brooklyn and fire 50 bullets into a man suspected of carrying a concealed Whopper. The medical examiner's office, after a thorough investigation, concludes that the man "definitely could have developed artery problems down the road."
Speaking of health problems, rumors that Fidel Castro is ailing gain new strength when, at an official state dinner in Havana, a waiter accidentally tips over the longtime Cuban leader's urn, spilling most of him on the floor.
In other deceased-Communist news, British police rule that the mysterious death of a former Russian spy in London was a murder, caused by the radioactive element polonium-210. New York immediately bans the element, forcing the closure of 70 percent of the city's Taco Bells.
As the year, finally, nears its conclusion, Americans turn their attention to the holiday season, which they celebrate -- as generations have before them -- by frantically overbidding on eBay for the Sony PlayStation 3, of which Sony, anticipating the near-homicidal level of demand, manufactured an estimated 11 units. Millions of Americans also head "home for the holidays," making this one of the busiest air travel seasons ever. The always vigilant TSA responds by raising the Security Threat Level to "ultraviolet," which means that passengers may not board an airplane if they contain blood.
But despite the well-founded fear of terrorism, the seemingly unbreakable and escalating cycle of violence in the Middle East, the uncertain world economic future, the menace of global warming, the near-certainty that rogue states run by lunatics will soon have nuclear weapons, and the fact that America is confronting these dangers with a federal government sharply divided into two hostile parties unable to agree on anything except that the other side is scum, Americans face the new year with a remarkable lack of worry, and for a very good reason: They are busy drinking beer and watching football.
So, Happy New Year.
(Burp.)
In essence, the study group recommends a three-pronged approach, consisting of: 1) a gradual withdrawal of U.S. troops, but not on a fixed timetable; 2) intensified training of Iraqi troops; and 3) the physical relocation of Iraq, including buildings, to Greenland. Republican and Democratic leaders, after considering the report for the better part of a nanosecond, commence what is expected to be a minimum of two more years of bickering.
With the Iraq situation pretty much solved, the world's attention shifts to Iran and its suspected nuclear program, which becomes the subject of renewed concern after U.S. satellites detect a glowing 400-foot-high spider striding around Tehran. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists that it is "a peaceful spider" that will be used "only for mail delivery." Shortly thereafter, North Korea -- in what many observers see as a deliberate provocation -- detonates a nuclear device inside the Lincoln Memorial.
Finally responding to these new threats to international stability, the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council -- the United States, the United Kingdon, Russia, China and Google -- hold an emergency meeting in Paris, where, after heated debate, they vote to have a bottle of 1959 Chateau Margaux with their entree. Unfortunately, they cannot agree on a dessert wine, causing the city, which had just reopened, to shut down completely.
In other food news, New York City, having apparently solved all of its other problems, bans "trans fats." Hours later, police surround a Burger King in Brooklyn and fire 50 bullets into a man suspected of carrying a concealed Whopper. The medical examiner's office, after a thorough investigation, concludes that the man "definitely could have developed artery problems down the road."
Speaking of health problems, rumors that Fidel Castro is ailing gain new strength when, at an official state dinner in Havana, a waiter accidentally tips over the longtime Cuban leader's urn, spilling most of him on the floor.
In other deceased-Communist news, British police rule that the mysterious death of a former Russian spy in London was a murder, caused by the radioactive element polonium-210. New York immediately bans the element, forcing the closure of 70 percent of the city's Taco Bells.
As the year, finally, nears its conclusion, Americans turn their attention to the holiday season, which they celebrate -- as generations have before them -- by frantically overbidding on eBay for the Sony PlayStation 3, of which Sony, anticipating the near-homicidal level of demand, manufactured an estimated 11 units. Millions of Americans also head "home for the holidays," making this one of the busiest air travel seasons ever. The always vigilant TSA responds by raising the Security Threat Level to "ultraviolet," which means that passengers may not board an airplane if they contain blood.
But despite the well-founded fear of terrorism, the seemingly unbreakable and escalating cycle of violence in the Middle East, the uncertain world economic future, the menace of global warming, the near-certainty that rogue states run by lunatics will soon have nuclear weapons, and the fact that America is confronting these dangers with a federal government sharply divided into two hostile parties unable to agree on anything except that the other side is scum, Americans face the new year with a remarkable lack of worry, and for a very good reason: They are busy drinking beer and watching football.
So, Happy New Year.
(Burp.)
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